Useless, and irresistable

I was so busy helping Mr. Obama (mostly I sent him messages through the air; it was a kind of mind meld, so it may not have worked all that well, but he's headed for the White House, isn't he?) and now I'm back to blogging. Since my sister and my niece and my brother-in-law are my only readers, this may be considered an act of vanity, yet I am soldiering on. My husband told me he didn't think the mind meld thing was funny so I have to get rid of him, but right now I am thinking about stuff that baffles me.
For example, I have lived all this time without realizing how wonderful I am until I was discovered by an Association. The news came in a long letter. It said I possess "very special and rare traits," and the Association is willing to accept my membership, which will lead me to " enormous wealth, love and the most phenomenal personal abilities, absolutely free." Also, the lettter said I would "learn how to be more intelligent." That hurt a little, but what the heck, I was going to be taught where the profits were in games of chance, and that "not even professional cheaters will be able to beat you.... You, Chris, have been selected to be sent our Greatest Kept Secrets-- the secrets that have laid hidden from ordinary eyes for 2300 years--"
There are a lot of pages in the document, because when the members of the Association took a "closer look at my profile, " it turned out I was even "more special than any of us imagined! Did you know that you possess some very rare, hidden traits? In fact, there is a famous person (someone you would instantly recognize, he's on TV every night) who posesses these same special , incredibly rare traits."
Well, that didn't surprise me. I myself was on TV every night when I worked for CNN. But I can't say more, because I don't want the Association to get mad at me., and punch out my ordinary eyes.
Listen, the world of wonder is far-flung, No sooner had I put the Association behind me than I got a letter from an outfit called Destiny Research Center, featuring a lady named Maria Duval who said she had more money than she needed, that she was surrounded by people who loved her, and that once
she had even "miraculously escaped from a terrible car accident ." Maria has made more than 10.000 TV appearances and "has never failed to telepathically locate missing persons (more than 20 to date)."
Why is she so lucky? Because she wears the Ring of Re, a 6,000 year old talisman "worn by the Pharaohs of ancient Egypt." Maria gets mail from others who wear the Ring of Re, like the woman who said her husband had left her, but the day after she got her ring, "I received a letter from him... he asked me to forgive him and begged me to let him come back"." And how about the guy who couldn't believe his good luck because "three times in a row I won at Bingo... I just have to believe that my Ring of Re really has mysterious powers."
Maria writes that the Ring of Re is a chance for me to solve my money and my love problems, and I can wear it for 30 days before I have to pay a nickel. It seems like there are a whole lot of people out there worrying about my money and my love problems, and I'm grateful, but I'm so exhausted from thinking about it that I have to take a nap.