Sex and money. Doesn't that make you want to read it?

In my last blog, I complained bitterly about the sex pamphlets I was being mailed, especially because they were all concerned with penises, and I was not of the proper sex to appreciate the advice I was getting.

Yet today there appeared in my mailbox another helpful document. It said if I would just swallow Amazing Maximum Power Formula for 30 days, I would have "rock-hard erections for up to 4 hours."

Gee, thanks

Here's another opportunity I declined. It's a bunch of secrets. "The truth must be told," says the author of this offer (or the offer of this author). "There are powerful special interests who spend millions of dollars to keep these secrets from you. Why? So they can make more money."

All you have to do to keep these powerful interests at bay is to buy a book. For only seven dollars. It will teach you:

"How to turn your vacation into a tax deduction."

"How to be a more potent and satisfying lover at age 55 than you were at 25."

"How to locate anyone... anywhere." (Even Judge Crater?)

"How to buy hundreds of products for 65% off."

"Legal way to double the $600,000 estate exemption." (What if you don't have an estate? Or $600,000 dollars?)

"How to teach yourself speed reading in only 20 minutes."

The guy who made these promises (he's not gonna take it any more) is troubled by "dirty little secrets. Let's face it," he writes, "you have been lied to... The powers that be have made a fortune from what you don't know..."

Sometimes, a power that be (be's?) like, for instance, Rod Blagojevich, Governor of Illinois, tries to make a fortune by selling a Senate seat. And even after he's arrested for all kinds of corruption, he sticks to his guns, and goes to his office. "The Governor," said one of his minions, "has no plans to resign."

I myself would like to try that "pay to play" stuff, but I don't have the balls. As I've said , I am not the proper sex.

Confusion Rules

My Christmas spirit is confused. I was reading how (because of the present recession which might turn into a future depression) some of the fanciest stores in New York were cutting prices. A reporter for the New York Times wrote that Bergdorf Goodman had come down 40% on handbags, and Saks Fifth Avenue was selling Valentino evening dresses at 70% "below the original price of $2,950 dollars.

I figured that either the evening dress buyer would have to pay Saks a mere $431 dollars, or Saks would have to pay the evening dress buyer $65, and tell her not to come around any more. Okay, I'm not too swift at arithmentic, but I know about broken bones. It isn't that I wouldn't like to grab up 45 cashmere sweaters at 35 cents apiece, but it would cost so much more if I got my two legs and an arm busted by all those fierce shoppers knocking me down with great big heavy new handbags.

Here's another thing that confuses me.Nothing to do with Christmas, it' about pamphlets that come through the mail. Sex pamphlets. There's a doctor out there who is pushing something called The Enhancer Patch. In his pamphlet, a married woman announced that she was not one "one of those girls who sleep around," but wham! there came the Patch, and left her wondering how she, who was "wise, prudish and faithful," could have let herself have "savage sex with a stranger... an old man completely unknown to me." Lucky dirty old man.

Some of the sex pamphlets are angry. A fellow who sells "The Ultimate Erection Supplement" is furious because "most herbal erection supplements don't work." Behind our backs, he says, "greedy companies have been ripping us off...lying about their products, robbing our money,,," This angry man started his own company "and created my own darn product." Anyhow, he's a believer. He says he's helped more than 11,765 men to get back their sex lives, and he's still at it. All a guy has to do is send a letter that says, "Yes! I want to Try the Ultimate Erection Supplement FREE in My Own House for 30 Days."

I'm happy for the 11,765 men, but I'm tired of sex pamphlets. Most of them are about what you can do for your penis, but since I don't have a penis, what with being of the wrong sex, I wish all those people would just write to someone else. Confusion rules.